Please check the correctness of my letter (a native american).

Philip Metzler   Tuesday, October 28, 2003, 00:00 GMT
Hi!

I'm a swede and have just finished a letter (it's actually an email) that needs verification by a person whose mother tongue is american.

It has to be as good as possible and nothing should sound strange for an american :)

Here it goes:

Dear Sir or Madam,

My name is Philip Metzler and I'm 18.
I'm sending You this e-mail with a view to obtaining information regarding my chances to whether I'm eligible to be admitted at ______.

When I was 12 I moved from Sweden, which is my "home" country (I am a swedish citizen), to France where my parents has established a bed n'breakfast activity. I successfully completed the french baccalaureate and I've now integrated a "classe préparatoire" in a boarding school in Aix en Provence.
Despite I only study Mathematics, Physics and Chemistry at a very high level (plus Philosophy and English), I hardly have time to sleep at night. Every week there are written and individual oral tests, by teachers from all over the region, in all subjects (even philosophy). In our class we're 44 students and I'm constantly among the three very best. I'm particularly good at Mathematics.

I'm fluent in swedish, french and english (I have a broader "daily" word archive in swedish whereas technically I'm much better in english as everything I read concerning Java or PHP programming or electrical engineering is in english).

Today my passion is computers (PHP and Java) and electronics (integrated circuits, microprocessors in particular). I started programming PHP over 4 years ago at my own initiative (before I had only made static html pages, the good old days) and will soon release (sell) an important object oriented (OOP) PHP script (actually over 40 000 lines of code) which will hopefully be a success. I've built the script using pattern and refactoring techniques. A mysql database allows for fast database access.

Finally, why do I think I would succeed at _______ (Electrical Engineering and Computer Science Course) ?

_I have very solid scientific bases and I already know a lot on the subject I want to study

_I'm used to work around 100 hours per week

_I'm extremely motivated (my own initiative; no one has ever pushed me)

_I've always worked with americans over the net but actually never physically been to the US, that's why I'm so interested in studying in the latter.


No doubt I have forgotten plenty of things I initially wanted to mention but I think it will be sufficient for a first mail :).

Thank You for your time!


Best Regards,
Philip Metzler



Thank you so much for your help :)
Jim   Tuesday, October 28, 2003, 00:11 GMT
I'm not American.
Philip Metzler   Tuesday, October 28, 2003, 13:59 GMT
Not just americans:
native english speakers is sufficient
Haiawatha   Tuesday, October 28, 2003, 15:09 GMT
How! I am a native American and I will check your letter. But first I must spoke on my peace pipe.
Fly   Tuesday, October 28, 2003, 16:15 GMT
Jim, you are not american? Where are you from?
Jim   Wednesday, October 29, 2003, 00:20 GMT
Fly,

I'm Australian.

Philip,

Since you've now invited the rest of us I'll have a look. By the way, "native American" means "American Indian", as Haiawatha was indicating.

Here's what I'd do.

"Dear Sir or Madam,"
... this is okay.

"My name is Philip Metzler and I'm 18."
... split it into two sentences. Use the long form "I'm eighteen years old." I wouldn't write my name: you've got it at the bottom.

"I'm sending You this e-mail with a view to obtaining information regarding my chances to whether I'm eligible to be admitted at ______."
... "you" not "You", unless it's the begining of the sentence/question or you're writing to God.

"When I was 12 I moved from Sweden, which is my "home" country (I am a swedish citizen), to France where my parents has established a bed n'breakfast activity.
... no need for inverted commas around "home". "... parents have ..." Capitalise "Swedish", "French", "English", etc. I'd have written:
"I am a Swedish citizen. When I was twelve years old I moved from Sweden to France. My parents have established a bed n' breakfast activity there."

"I successfully completed the french baccalaureate and I've now integrated a 'classe préparatoire' in a boarding school in Aix en Provence."
You should translate/explain "baccalaureate", "classe préparatoire" and "Aix en Provence".

"Despite I only study Mathematics, Physics and Chemistry at a very high level (plus Philosophy and English), I hardly have time to sleep at night."
... "Despite the fact that I only ..." is better, also it would be better to include all five subjects in one list but why tell them that you have trouble handling the work?

"Every week there are written and individual oral tests, by teachers from all over the region, in all subjects (even philosophy)."
... Capitalise "Philosophy". I'd have written "there are written tests and individual oral tests," yours is okay but I think it's clearer to write "tests" twice because of the length of "individual oral". Explain which region you mean.

"In our class we're 44 students and I'm constantly among the three very best. I'm particularly good at Mathematics."
... How about "I'm constantly among the three very best out of a class of fourty-four."?

I've got to get going but I'll be back.
messire lavoisel   Wednesday, October 29, 2003, 00:41 GMT
I would just like to give a little help, although I'm not a native.

Jim, Aix-en-Provence is a City, so Philip needn't translate it.

Philip, you had better say "in the French city of Aix-en-Provence", although I am not sure saying the name of city where you are attending your studies is actually needed.

"Baccalaureate". => The proper spelling is "Baccalauréat". Don't forget to state that it is the diploma you pass on the last high-school year.

"why tell them that you have trouble handling the work?" => Jim is right, you won't gave them the feeling that you are suitable for the place you are aiming for if you tell them you have already some troubles in your work. I think this is true in any country.

One more thing: I don't know what the natives think about brackets, but the misuse of them is considered as unpleasant in a French cover letter.

Bon courrage philip ! :-D
messire lavoisel   Wednesday, October 29, 2003, 00:44 GMT
"the name of THE city"...

And probably some other typos, so don't rewrite anything I have typed here unless Jim or some other natives confirm it's correct. ;)
Jim   Wednesday, October 29, 2003, 04:19 GMT
Messire Lavoisel,

I'd guessed that "Aix en Provence" was a place name that's why I wrote "You should translate/explain ..." Of course, you don't translate names but to those unfamiliar with them you'd do well to explain them.

I don't know anything about Aix en Provence, I'd want to be given a little detail about what and perhaps where it is. "... in the French city of Aix-en-Provence", as you suggest, would work just fine.

I'd agree about the brackets. Try not use them in a cover letter unless you must.

Philip,

"I'm fluent in swedish, french and english (I have a broader "daily" word archive in swedish whereas technically I'm much better in english as everything I read concerning Java or PHP programming or electrical engineering is in english)."
... Like Messire Lavoisel and I have mentioned, try avoiding brackets. Just delete them in this case. And don't forget to capitalise.

"Today my passion is computers (PHP and Java) and electronics (integrated circuits, microprocessors in particular)."
... Again get rid of those brackets. Split this up into two or three sentences.

"I started programming PHP over 4 years ago at my own initiative ..."
... "on" not "at" and "four" not "4".

"(before I had only made static html pages, the good old days)"
... If you're going to include this, make it its own sentence (get rid of the brackets), put it in a positive light (get rid of "only") and drop the sentimentality (they don't care about your "good old days"). Try "I have been making static html pages for ... years."

"and will soon release (sell) an important object oriented (OOP) PHP script (actually over 40 000 lines of code) which will hopefully be a success."
... Make this its own sentence ... or two. Don't define "release" mid-sentence, if you think they'd be unfamiliar with the word "release" use "sell", don't use both.

You're use of "hopefully" is informal. You mean to say that you hope it to succeed. You don't mean to say that it will be a success and the way in which it will be a success is hopefully. If this doesn't seem to make sense that's because it doesn't. This illogical sentence is the literal meaning of "It will hopefully be a success." it's okay in casual speech but not for academic writing.

Try "I have high hopes for the coming release of an important Object Oriented PHP (OOP) script." And make "It contains over forty thousand lines of code." a seperate sentence.

"I've built the script using pattern and refactoring techniques. A mysql database allows for fast database access." This is fine, though I'd swap the order a little.

Try this order: "I have high hopes ... I've built the script ... It contains over forty ... A mysql database ..."

"Finally, why do I think I would succeed at _______ (Electrical Engineering and Computer Science Course) ?" Avoid this kind of question in academic writing. Make it a sentence "The following are the reasons I believe that I would succeed ..."

Now you list your reasons. Make this list a paragraph (starting with the above sentence).

"_I have very solid scientific bases and I already know a lot on the subject I want to study"
... "I have very solid basis of study in the sciences. I am quite familiar with the subject that I intend to study."

"_I'm used to work around 100 hours per week"
... "... used to working around one hundred hours ..."

"_I'm extremely motivated (my own initiative; no one has ever pushed me)"
... Omit the bracketed stuff: that's the meaning of "motivated".

"_I've always worked with americans over the net but actually never physically been to the US, that's why I'm so interested in studying in the latter."
... Who knows, they'd likely forgive you for not capitalising "French", they might over-look your not capitalising "English" and "Swedish" but they might well hold your negect to capitalise "Americans" against you until your dying day ... just kidding. I'd drop the "actually" and the "physically". I'd split the sentence in two. I'd drop the "that's why", change the "so" to "very" and change the "latter" to "America".

"No doubt I have forgotten plenty of things I initially wanted to mention but I think it will be sufficient for a first mail :)."
... Leave this out entirely. If it were an e-mail to a friend, it would be okay, but even then remember the comma "No doubt, I have ..." you wouldn't say "... a first mail ..." but "... to begin with ..." or something. Only use ":)"s in informal writing.

"Thank You for your time!"
... use a full stop not an exclaimation mark and don't capitalise "you".

"Best Regards,
"Philip Metzler"
... This is okay.
Boy   Wednesday, October 29, 2003, 09:55 GMT
Prof. Jim, This is an off topic question. Please, May I ask you how old are you?
Chris   Wednesday, October 29, 2003, 13:51 GMT
Instead of native American, you should use English native speaker now you know th difference between the two of them, hehehe.

"Despite" goes always before a noun whereas "Although" is followed by a sentence.

Avoid using contractions if you want this email to be formal.
Jim   Thursday, October 30, 2003, 00:10 GMT
Boy,

I'm tis ... if you can guess what I mean.
A.S.C.M.   Thursday, October 30, 2003, 01:31 GMT
Why should Philip Metzler translate/explain "baccalaureate"? The baccalaureate is an international thing: there is the French Baccalauréat for students in France, a Welsh Baccalaureate for students in Wales, an International Baccalaureate for students in international schools, etc.
Jim   Thursday, October 30, 2003, 02:43 GMT
If so, he needn't. I'd never heard of it. I don't know whether the Americans have or not.
A.S.C.M.   Thursday, October 30, 2003, 03:24 GMT
There is no "American Baccalaureate" but a number of American high school students study for the International Baccalaureate (IB), which is well known in many districts of intense academic competition. The same applies to England.

For more information about the International Baccalaureate, visit www.ibo.org . I believe that the French Baccalaureate is rather similar, except that it is split into three tracks- general, technological, professional- among which students must choose one.

Anyway, it would be hard to translate or describe the Baccalaureate. After all, "baccalaureate" is the English word for French "baccalauréat" and there's really nothing similar to the Baccalaureate but the Baccalaureate, i.e. you can't say that the Baccalaureate corresponds to the New South Wales HSC; though their ends are the same, their means are rather different. The main difference between the Baccalaureate and the NSW HSE/English A-levels/American APs is that everything under the Baccalaureate follows a rigid plan and works cohesively towards a single qualification offered on many levels. Even the official website of the French Baccalauréat states that "there are three ways of access to the Baccalaureate" instead of "there are three types of Baccalaureates".