Can anybody help me to correct this?

I don't know if it's native enough, please help me, I know it's quite a long letter, but I will very appreciate if you can help me checking it, thank you very very much

Dear recruit consultant:
From your advertisement I heard that the position of “ ” is currently recruiting, and depend on my career experience and my professional study in business, I would like to apply for admission to this position. As an experienced person in B2B marketing and a bilingual MBA, I feel confident that I will be the right candidate for this job.

While I was in the former company, accomplishments have included the following:
1: Developed new businesses for the company in both developing new clients and developing new services to exist clients, the service sales almost 50% higher in like-to-like comparison in B2B sales.

2: Developed a new marketing form bond with mobile services for the company, the new form boosted B2C sales in a significant way.

3: Defined the market of the company as a middle layer of the online entertainment market. First sell company’s service to producers as a B2B transaction, and take the product then sell to members is a B2C transaction, the definition helped building the company’s strategy as a important mile-stone.

Also my personal attribute is fully represented below, I believe they are what you have been looking for to match this position:
1: Great ambition to achieve business success, I believe that it’s the most important quality for this position.
2: Sharp, inquisitive and intuitive characteristics, and high level of self-management.
3: Ability to join a new culture and create relationships with people who have different cultures and backgrounds.
4: Effective Communication.
5:Keen to learn and self-study ability: I believe that learning is a never-ending process.
6: Combined Business Knowledge from the MBA study.

I am looking forward to further discussing my qualifications, which are fully presented in my enclosed resume, and demonstrating how I will perfectly fit for this position. Thank you very much for your consideration.

PLZ.........help me..........

I am not being paid for this, but I will start with this suggestion: Find a native speaker who is familiar with your area of business and ask that person to help you. If you have a place of worship or a social network, start there and ask a kind person.

Use this strategy.

Use a highlighter and highlight the following to show to your friend, THEN
fix the corrections, then take the corrected letter to a professional or another friend to check again.

"I will very appreciate" (Not part of your letter, but not correct either)

"and depend on my career"

"to exist clients,"

"Also my personal attribute is" (Do you need a plural here?)


"First sell company’s service to producers as a B2B transaction, and take the product then sell to members is a B2C transaction, the definition helped building the company’s strategy as a important mile-stone."

I'm not sure that the forum rules allow this, so copy this quickly.

Thank you very very much, Iv just arrived here and no friend around, it's why im trying to find a new job now, trust me it's not easy >:), especially in London I paid almost 400 US dollars a week for an accomodation, it's really really stressful huh, Iv been trying for two weeks but get nothing yet >:(, I thought it probably something wrong with my covering letter, then I posted it wanted to find help here >:), I don't know a lot about the rules here. If I made anything wrong, I apologize here, Sorry.

I think what the forum may need is a subsection for proofing. That way those who need it and those who are willing could connect more easily.

At any rate, here are a few suggestions...

<<From your advertisement I heard that the position of “ ” is currently recruiting, and depend on my career experience and my professional study in business, I would like to apply for admission to this position. As an experienced person in B2B marketing and a bilingual MBA, I feel confident that I will be the right candidate for this job. >>

Use "because" instead of "depend" and remove "admission to." Also, substitute "am" for "feel."

<<While I was in the former company, accomplishments have included the following:
1: Developed new businesses for the company in both developing new clients and developing new services to exist clients, the service sales almost 50% higher in like-to-like comparison in B2B sales.>>

Insert "my" in front of "accomplishments." Find another word for "develop," since it appears three times in a single sentence. Change "exist clients" to "existing clients." There is a comma splice here as well; it could be corrected by splitting the sentence into two sentences (eg, "...existing clients. Service sales were almost 50% higher in like-to-like comparisons of B2B sales.")

<<2: Developed a new marketing form bond with mobile services for the company, the new form boosted B2C sales in a significant way.>>

The use of "bond with" here doesn't make much sense to me. There is another comma splice here as well.

<<First sell company’s service to producers as a B2B transaction, and take the product then sell to members is a B2C transaction, the definition helped building the company’s strategy as a important mile-stone.>>

This also doesn't make much sense. Maybe, "the company's services were sold to producers in B2B transactions, and then sold to members in a B2C transaction. Developing this idea was an important part of building the company's business strategy." Does it seem right?

<<Also my personal attribute is fully represented below, I believe they are what you have been looking for to match this position:
1: Great ambition to achieve business success, I believe that it’s the most important quality for this position.
2: Sharp, inquisitive and intuitive characteristics, and high level of self-management.
3: Ability to join a new culture and create relationships with people who have different cultures and backgrounds.
4: Effective Communication.
5:Keen to learn and self-study ability: I believe that learning is a never-ending process.
6: Combined Business Knowledge from the MBA study.>>

Maybe, "My personal attributes are an excellent match for this position. I am a highly motivated individual with a strong sense of initiative. My ability to interact with people from diverse cultures and backgrounds, combined with my MBA qualifications, will make it possible for me to strengthen your company and enhance its goals."

<<I am looking forward to further discussing my qualifications, which are fully presented in my enclosed resume, and demonstrating how I will perfectly fit for this position. Thank you very much for your consideration.>>

Omit "for" in "for this position."

"I think what the forum may need is a subsection for proofing. That way those who need it and those who are willing could connect more easily"

This is an excellent idea, JP. I just didn't want to correct the letter without asking questions (medical, not business is my area) and I didn't want to offer tons of help only to have it deleted.

Thank you JP! you saved my life >:) Thank you! Thank you!