Please tell me this sentence is not VERY bad

Cleveland   Wed Feb 27, 2008 11:36 pm GMT
in a Email, I replied:

After read the details of XXX and the role which you provided in you Email, my interest has been intrigued, especially they will assistant me for a Securities and Investment Institute’s Level 3 Certificate in Derivatives. I think this role is exactly what I want to start my new career in XXX.

After I sent it, I read it again, and shocked, especially for the "my interest has been intrigued" part

Please tell me this is not VERY bad... Im now soooo nervous....
Lazar   Wed Feb 27, 2008 11:46 pm GMT
I hate to say it, but that would strike a native speaker as less than proficient. I hope it's not an impediment to your getting the job. I would tentatively revise it along these lines:

"After reading the details of XXX and the role which you provided in your email, my interest has been piqued, especially by the offer of an assistant's position with a Securities and Investment Institute’s Level 3 Certificate in Derivatives. I think this role is the perfect opportunity for me to start my new career in XXX."

About "my interest has been intrigued": that strikes me as unnatural. A person can be intrigued (meaning that they're interested or fascinated), but I don't think it sounds good to say that your interest is intrigued. The natural verb that comes to mind for me here is "pique".

Also, as far as I know, "assistant" doesn't work as a verb.
Cleveland   Thu Feb 28, 2008 12:12 am GMT
Thank you! but
pique? doesn't it mean irritation?
Guest   Thu Feb 28, 2008 3:25 am GMT
No. This usage falls under this definition of the word.

2. To provoke; arouse
Guest   Thu Feb 28, 2008 4:08 am GMT
"Pique" reminds me of French or possibly the Italian "mi pizzichi"
Guest   Thu Feb 28, 2008 4:13 am GMT
I wonder if other languages (probably French if I had to guess) colour your choices of words. When in doubt, look it up. Some words aren't the perfect cognates they seem to be.
RayH   Fri Feb 29, 2008 7:11 pm GMT
Cleveland,

I largely agree with Lazar, however the use of the word "role" is very confusing. If it refers to a job I'm not sure that including it with a discussion of other matters is very clear. You seem to be mixing a discussion of certain "details" that will help you obtain a certification with a, more or less, separate discussion of the "role".

Perhaps you mean that the job will allow you obtain experience with the details mentioned thus helping you obtain the certificate in question.

Also, in this context "piqued" clearly means aroused as in "my interest is aroused" and is correct.
Earle   Fri Feb 29, 2008 7:33 pm GMT
Agreeing with the others (g), "pique" would be the plurality winner among the other choices - "aroused," "excited," "attracted," etc. It's unfortunate that it's often misspelled as "peaked," or "peeked." The former has sort of a weird sense to it, but would be ruled out as common usage...
Uriel   Sun Mar 02, 2008 3:28 am GMT
<<After read the details of XXX and the role which you provided in you Email, my interest has been intrigued, especially they will assistant me for a Securities and Investment Institute’s Level 3 Certificate in Derivatives. I think this role is exactly what I want to start my new career in XXX. >>>

You sound like you've swallowed a thesaurus -- never good. Be clear and concise. If you use words and phrases you don't really understand how to use, it will make you look worse than if you had just avoided them in the first place.

You have some grammatical issues here -- it should be:

"After readING the details of XXX" and "especially AS they will ASSIST me WITH (not for) ".

"the role which you provided in YOUR e-mail" -- now, this is problematical. "Role" is not the best word here, and is a little confusing. "Job description" sounds more like what you are trying to say.

And yes, interest is generally "piqued". YOU can be intrigued, but your interest cannot. Don't confuse this usage of pique with the other one you were thinking of, "a fit of pique", which means anger.

Hope this helps.