Statement of Purpose

TommyHawk:   Fri Feb 27, 2009 11:06 pm GMT
Can you guys point out grammatical errors and weak sentence structures?
Also, do you think it is a well-written Statement of purpose or not. I'd really appreciate your feedback.
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In my opinion, Education is the key of life. Every person should try to make their progressive career through Education. It is from my experience that we can accomplish great things if we have sound educational background. After completing my high school education in 1999 I gained some work experience into my interested field. Computer Science. I have had over 9 years experience as a webmaster under my belt.


Apart from working and studying I also follow other hobbies and interests in my spare time. I play Cricket and Tennis. I listen to audiobooks and rock music. I read English literature. I also communicate with my friends from all over the world.


I have 4 brothers and 4 sisters. My two eldest sisters are doctors and working. And the other two sisters are doing B.Pharmacy from University of Karachi. My two brothers had done masters in telecommunication from reputed universities in the USA and working. One brother has done masters in computers science and working in the USA as well and the last one is a high school student. My father is a retired Audit officer and have had 40 years experience under his belt. My mom was a teacher but she passed away three years ago.


Australia is a melting pot. Students from all races and nationalties come together into one place and study with friendly and warm Australians. I like this cultural diversity. In adddition to this, Australia provides unique landscapes and beautiful beaches. Students have the opportunity to explore this natural beauty and extract some learning experience from it.


Now I want to specialize in my field that's why I choose one year diploma in Information technolegy at Canberra college and extended 2 years at University of Canberra which offers quite strong courses in the aforementioned field. Also, the living cost is quite cheaper in Canberra as compared to other cities in Australia. I like serenity that it offers and it is a great place to study ane makes friends.


After completing my Bachelors which consists of three years - I will be able to find jobs easily in careers such as Software Developer, Interactive web designer, Computer Programmer, network designer, and system analyst and desinger back in Pakistan. There are countless opportunities that I can avail after persuing the abovementioned course.


I feel that if given an opportunity I will be in a better position to understand the strategies of modern age computer field and will be able to groom myself personally and professionally. After completion of my studies I plan to return back to Pakistan and continue to work in my chosen field.
tbd   Sat Feb 28, 2009 2:21 am GMT
Here's a start - I don't have time for all of it.

>>It is from my experience that we can accomplish great things if we have sound educational background. After completing my high school education in 1999 I gained some work experience into my interested field. Computer Science. I have had over 9 years experience as a webmaster under my belt. <<

In my experience, we can accomplish great things with a sound educational background. After completing high school in 1999, I was able to work in my field of interest, which is computer science. I now have over nine years experience.

<<Apart from working and studying I also follow other hobbies and interests in my spare time. I play Cricket and Tennis. I listen to audiobooks and rock music. I read English literature. I also communicate with my friends from all over the world. >>

Aside from working and studying, I have hobbies which interest me, including cricket and tennis. I enjoy listening to audiobooks and rock music and I read English literature and also enjoy communicating with friends worldwide.

<<I have 4 brothers and 4 sisters. My two eldest sisters are doctors and working. And the other two sisters are doing B.Pharmacy from University of Karachi. My two brothers had done masters in telecommunication from reputed universities in the USA and working. One brother has done masters in computers science and working in the USA as well and the last one is a high school student. My father is a retired Audit officer and have had 40 years experience under his belt. My mom was a teacher but she passed away three years ago. <<

My family includes 4 brothers and 4 sisters. The two eldest sisters work as doctors and the other two are students at the University of Karachi studying for their B.Pharmacy (don't know what this is sorry). Two of my brothers have their Masters degrees in telecommunication from reputable United States universities, another brother has a masters in computer science and works in the United States and the last brother is a high school student. My father has worked as an audit officer for 40 years and is now retired and my mother was a teacher, but is now deceased.
Tommyhawk:   Sat Feb 28, 2009 2:29 am GMT
Thanks for your feedback. Any takers for correcting the rest of the paragraphs.
bovina bound   Sat Feb 28, 2009 4:21 am GMT
<<Australia is a melting pot. Students from all races and nationalties come together into one place and study with friendly and warm Australians. I like this cultural diversity. In adddition to this, Australia provides unique landscapes and beautiful beaches. Students have the opportunity to explore this natural beauty and extract some learning experience from it.
>>

Minimal rework:

Australia is a melting pot. Students from all races and nationalities come together in one place to study with warm and friendly Australians. I like this cultural diversity. In addition, Australia provides unique landscapes and beautiful beaches. Students have the opportunity to explore this natural beauty [??and learn from it??].
Tommyhawk:   Sat Feb 28, 2009 4:39 am GMT
bovina bound. Thanks for your help.
Tommyhawk:   Sat Feb 28, 2009 1:24 pm GMT
Any takers for correcting the remaining paragraphs.
tbd   Sun Mar 01, 2009 10:59 pm GMT
Here you go! Good luck to you!

<<<Now I want to specialize in my field that's why I choose one year diploma in Information technolegy at Canberra college and extended 2 years at University of Canberra which offers quite strong courses in the aforementioned field. Also, the living cost is quite cheaper in Canberra as compared to other cities in Australia. I like serenity that it offers and it is a great place to study ane makes friends. >>>

Because I'd like to specialize in the field, I chose a one year diploma in information technology at Canberra College and an extended two years at the University of Canberra, which offers quite a strong curriculum in this field. In addition, the cost of living is quite a bit less in Canberra when compared to other Australian cities. I like the feeling of serenity there and believe that its a great place to study and make friends.

>>After completing my Bachelors which consists of three years - I will be able to find jobs easily in careers such as Software Developer, Interactive web designer, Computer Programmer, network designer, and system analyst and desinger back in Pakistan. There are countless opportunities that I can avail after persuing the abovementioned course. <<

In three years I will have completed my bachelor's degree and I anticipate being able to find jobs easily in fields like software designer, interactive web designer, computer programmer, network designer and systems analyst and designer back in Pakistan. I can avail myself of countless opportunities after completing this course.

<<<I feel that if given an opportunity I will be in a better position to understand the strategies of modern age computer field and will be able to groom myself personally and professionally. After completion of my studies I plan to return back to Pakistan and continue to work in my chosen field.<<<

If given the opportunity, I feel that I will be in a better position to understand the strategies of the computer field in the modern age and will be better prepared to enter it personally and professionally. When my studies are completed, I plan to return to Pakistan and continue to work in the field of information technology.
Tommyhawk:   Mon Mar 02, 2009 1:32 am GMT
Thanks for your help, tbd. Tomorrow I am gonna submit it with my visa application. Cheers!