What do you think of my poem?

Franco   Tue Feb 07, 2006 9:03 am GMT
How is this poem I wrote for a person who speaks bad english?

My dearest Elizabeth
Do not dress in that dress
For with out it i must confess
You look much above the rest.

I never saw one so sweet
As my dearest, you my treat
Don't leave me for another beast
I'm here, and I shant release
You from my grasp

Where would I be without thee
Simply lost, crying under a tree
For without you I cannot see
Because it's you who makes me me


Thanks
Fredrik from Norway   Tue Feb 07, 2006 11:21 pm GMT
Nice, but "grasp" sounds a bit violent!
Sunniva   Wed Feb 08, 2006 12:02 am GMT
It would be better if there was a clear metrical pattern :)
Franco   Wed Feb 08, 2006 3:12 am GMT
Thank you for the information. By the way, it is no good for the moderator to delete the posts which bring bad comments on my work. As long as it is constructive.
Tiffany   Wed Feb 08, 2006 3:41 am GMT
Franco,
I think the first stanza of poem alludes to something that I would not want to be reading in a romantic poem. I like the ending line though and thought that was cute and should be kept. Nix the first stanza though. I agree with Fredrik that "grasp" is out of place and sounds rough - obsessive too maybe? Good effort though.