Ok, Grammar experts, your comments please.

Robin   Sun Oct 22, 2006 9:14 am GMT
I have just written some notes for my own use. After writing them, I read them back, and I felt that they did not read very well.

I knew what I had written, and what I wanted to say. But it sounded rather clumsy.

My concern is: although what I have written makes sense to me. I am not sure that it would make sense to anyone reading it quickly for the first time.


<<<Contrast the man that her Aunt married>>>

The Context

<<<Contrast the man that her Aunt married with the scared face, with the man that she married, who had a face that people admired, and who was a man that other women wanted. (or at least, the other women were looking at her, when she was with him)>>>

My Rewrite

Contrast the man that married her Aunt, who had a scarred face, with the man that she had married. She had married a man, who had a face that people admired. A man, that other women wanted. She had married a man who attracted the attention of other women, when she was with him. (Were the other women jealous, or were they concerned about her, or just curious?) Was the attention of the other women: a warning sign?

Am I simply 'unpacking' some sentences which are a little ambiguous. Or, am I making some more fundamental mistakes?

Am I taking 'conversational English' and making it more 'formal' so it can be understood by a wider range of people. So the meaning, is less dependant on the context (prior knowledge)?
Zach   Tue Oct 31, 2006 5:42 pm GMT
Man, this is REALLY unclear! Did she marry two men?