can anyone plz correct this?

This is a letter I have written askingfor a money refund. I would very much appreciate if any one modifies it and makes it look proffesional.

To
The Registrar
xxxxx
xxx

Sub - Requesting money refund

Dear sir,

With all due respect, I need to bring to your kind notice that I , due to certain unavoidable reason, can not attend the seminar scheduled to be held on 20.10.08.

I would therefore like to request you to consider my case sympathetically and kindly refund the money Rs. 600/- which I had sent for my lodging and boarding expenses, for which act of yours I shall be ever obliged.

Yours sincerely
XXXXXXXXXX

Dear Sir,

It is with regret that I need to bring to your notice that due to certain unavoidable circumstances, I cannot attend the seminar scheduled to be held on 20.10.08.

I would therefore like to kindly request a refund of the money Rs. 600/- which I had sent for my lodging and boarding expenses. If this is at all possible, I would be very grateful.

Yours sincerely,
XXXXXXXXXX

Sub - Requesting money refund

Dear sir,

I would like to inform you that I would not be able to attend the seminar on 20.10.08.

I would like to request money Rs. 600 which I had sent for my lodging and boarding expenses. Thank you in advance.

Sincerely yours


XXXX

IShort and simple

You can say at the end: Thank you for your cooperation.

'Sir' should be capitalised at the beginning of a letter. There should be a comma in the phrase which precedes your name at the end.

bubu,
Maybe it's a cultural thing but your letter sounds a little too mild-mannered. You're requesting a refund of YOUR money, so be direct and forthright (yet still respectful). Give them the perception that you're not one to mess with, otherwise they'll take their own sweet time responding to your request.

Dear Sir:

It is with regret that I, due to unavoidable circumstances, cannot attend the seminar scheduled for 20.10.08.

I therefore request that you kindly refund my money, in the amount of Rs. 600, which I had previously sent for lodging and boarding expenses.

If you require any further information from me, please contact me at [address] or [phone number]. I appreciate your prompt attention to this matter and look forward to receiving the full refund.


Sincerely,


XXXXXXXXXX

Cassie, I expect you are right, it is a cultural thing, but being more forthright seems counter-productive to me. I assume this money was some sort of deposit, but even if it wasn't, in my experience it always pays to be humble. After all, it is the person who reads it that will be probably be organising the refund. You want _them_ on your side, even if the organisation is not as a whole. Being aggressive will not make them more likely to give you a refund. I know I am far more likely to go out of my way for someone who is polite and if someone is rude to me, I am actively unhelpful.

That said, your suggested letter wasn't really too aggressive, but as a philosophy, manners are more effective.

Starting a letter with a colon (Dear Sir:) is more common in an informal memo. A comma (Dear Sir,) is more appropriate in this context.

Yeah I thought about the same Cassie. He /she has to be more direct when it comes to money why should he/she apologized.
I would say something about
I regret I cannot attend your seminar. Please keep me excused. I would like if you return my money back. Thank you. Regards
Mr. Sims

Putting "back" and the end of "Return my money" is both grammatically questionable and a bit agressive.

While in American culture, the original letter is rather obsequious, it sounds like the intended recipients aren't responsible for the need for a refund, and thus politeness is due.

I also wonder what "Rs. 600/-" means. I don't recognize that as the currency of any English speaking country. South Africa perhaps?

"that I , due to certain unavoidable reason"

There shouldn't be a space between "I" and the comma, and you should either say "a certain unavoidable reason" or "certain unavoidable reasons".

I always say I want my money back. Nobosy said that it's incorrect.

Because it's correct. That's the reason. If it's in USA there is return policy and you can always get your money back.

"Get your money back" or "I want my money back" are perfectly fine, but "return my money back" doesn't work grammatically, because it's redundant. Return and back aren't generally used together, because back's already so implicit in return. Just a quirk of English.

As for the tone of the letter, I think bubu has to go with whatever strikes the right chord in his environment. His letter is way too diffident and abject for an American audience, and its flowery verbosity would come across here as being both amusing and archaic. But in other countries and cultures it would be very polite and correct, so there's no "right" way to judge it.

Yes, I was amazed by his politeness, he can get even extra money if he writes such letters, because in this dinamic century we almost forgot beautiful phrases.

<<I also wonder what "Rs. 600/-" means>>

It's the Latin script abbreviation for rupees. That is the currency in India.

As Laura says - make it short, simple and - most definitely - clear and concise as you put all the relevant important points across so that there is no chance of any misunderstanding. Basically - use simple English with no flowery, superfluous language. At the same time be polite, naturally, as you were - but perhaps just a tad over the top.