"This has to be the best one - it cracks me up!!
The Pope and the Queen of England are addressing a joint Anglican/Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd is huge. Her Majesty and His Holiness cannot help but feel a little rivalry - both being heads of states and churches and all. Things were dragging on a bit and both of them were getting a bit tired. So the queen turned to the Pope and said wit a grin on her face, "Did you know that, with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every English person in the crowd stand up and go wild, cheering and calling my name?"
The Pope looked doubtful, so she showed him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicited rapture and cheering from every English man, woman and child in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsided. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considered thoughtfully and then said to the Queen, "Your majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that, with one wave of MY hand, I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? But their joy will not be just a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day to their grandchildren and they to their descendants." The Queen seriously doubted this, and said so, "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So, the Pope slapped the b*tch!!! "
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That joke is pathetic. How about these?
SCOTTISH JOKES
1) An English silver expert travelling in Scotland was asked if he would like to look at the trophies won by the Scottish national soccer team. The Englishman replied that he wasn't interested in antiques.
2) Why are so many Scottish churches circular? So nobody can hide in the corners during the collection.
3) Five Scotsmen boarded a train just behind five Englishmen, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Englishmen piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called "Tickets, please!" and one of the Englishmen slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Englishmen came out and took their seats. The Scots were tremendously impressed by the Englishmen's ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Scotsmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the English had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the English piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Scots into the other. Then one of the Englishmen leaned out, knocked on the Scotsman's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.
WELSH JOKES
4) Some sheep farmers in mid-Wales have formed a society of teetotalers.
There is a clause in the rules that permits the use of alcohol at sheep-dipping time.
One member keeps a sheep at home which he dips every day.
5) A prominent Welsh minister travelling home one night was greatly annoyed when a young man much the worse for drink came and sat next to him on the bus.
"Young man," he declared, "do you not realise you are on the road to perdition?"
"Oh, Hell," replied the drunkard, "I could have sworn this bus went to Llanelli."
WELSH LOGIC
6) Canvasser for Liberal Party: "Will you support the Liberals this time?"
Welsh Mathematician: "No that is impossible. In the past the Liberal Party occupied a position between the left wing of the Conservative Party and the right wing of the Labour Party.
Then the left wing of the Conservative Party moved further left and the right wing of the Labour Party moved further right, so the Liberal Party was squeezed out until ultimately it had to perform the difficult task of inserting itself between two coincident points.
Since the Conservatives went on moving left and the Labour Party went on moving right the Liberals now occupy what is mathematically an imaginary point in space. How can I vote for an imaginary party?
7) A Welsh school-inspector visiting a small village primary school was struck by the great resemblance between two small girls sitting at the front of the class.
"You must be twins", he exclaimed.
"No we are not", replied the little girls firmly.
"Well then," said the inspector to the first girl, "how old are you?"
"Nine years and two months."
"And how old are you?" he asked the other girl.
"Nine years and two months."
"Then you definitely must be twins."
"No we aren't, we're all that's left of triplets."
8) A customer who had ordered some Welsh lamb from her butcher, suspected that the meat she had been given was not the genuine article.
"Are you sure this is real Welsh lamb?" she demanded, angrily.
"Well, Mrs. Jenkins", confessed the butcher,
"That lamb was really born in New Zealand but I can assure you it had Welsh parents."
IRISH JOKES
9) An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.
The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."
10) Paddy: "Seamus, do you understand French?"
Seamus - "I do if it's spoken in English."
11) What have Irishmen and Jesus Christ got in common?
The both lived with their mother until they were 33 and neither had a job.
12) Irish inventions -
WHATS THE LATEST IRISH INVENTION?
1. PEDAL POWERED WHEELCHAIRS.
2. VERTICAL BATHTUBS.
3. EJECTOR SEATS ON HELICOPTERS.
4. FLYSCREENS ON SUBMARINES.
5. SOLAR POWERED TORCHES.
13) Paddy and Seamus are coming in to land at London Heathrow Airport when Paddy turns to Seamus with a look of terror and says: That runway looks awful short, Seamus!"
Seamus looks to Paddy and replies: "By Jesus, you're right. But will you look at the width?!"
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