trying to write a poem

kritika   Fri Feb 03, 2006 8:41 am GMT
i want to express that i was a common person . and there was no one to care for me so my attitude towards life was negative.
i hve written like that:
" living on the dark side of life.
a common preson i was and negativity was rife "
but it' s have effects that shoud be
how can i write dis in a better way
ktitika   Fri Feb 03, 2006 9:56 am GMT
why nobody is showing any interest?
is the topic very absurd?
Gjones2   Fri Feb 03, 2006 1:28 pm GMT
It seems to me that you've already expressed the idea you say you wished to express. Why do you want others to improve it? It's a very short poem, and if they make any significant changes, the poem will no longer be yours.

Ordinarily 'dark side of life' would be considered trite and not desirable in a poem, but it fits in with the idea you're trying to express. Reversing the typical word order of 'I was a common person' creates just enough novelty to get me through the second line without getting bored. The abstract expression 'negativity was rife' would usually annoy me in a poem, but it doesn't bother me here. Nor does the creating of a two-line poem in which the rhymed lines differ greatly in length. I see no good reason for a period after 'life' -- or for the many other typos in your posts -- but otherwise rather liked your poem. I don't rank it up there with the works of Shakespeare and other great poets, of course, but considering its context, I was surprised to discover that it has a strange kind of appeal.
Fredrik from Norway   Mon Feb 06, 2006 5:50 pm GMT
Your poem is too abstract. You need to get concrete.
Show, don't tell.

What do you mean here:
"but it' s have effects that shoud be" ???

Hope you can use this advice! Good luck!
Damian in Edinburgh   Mon Feb 06, 2006 8:23 pm GMT have already been given good advice. Yes, best of luck. Another piece of advice is for you to look at the top of this the second from the left advertisement sub heading just below this thread title. Again....good luck.
Damian   Mon Feb 06, 2006 8:25 pm GMT's changed!..anyway, it was headed "Positive thinking".
kritika   Tue Feb 07, 2006 8:37 am GMT
thanks to all for their expert comments.
its not a two line poem.
i have written total 12 lines , but for the first time i am writing poem , but i want it to be correct and effective . thats why i am seeking advise of you people.
kritika   Tue Feb 07, 2006 8:57 am GMT
Is thse two lies correct?
"An angel with charisma enlightened my way
i felt like a divine force saying to fall under its sway"
please give your valuable suggestions
Fredrik from Norway   Tue Feb 07, 2006 11:23 pm GMT
"i felt like a divine force saying to fall under its sway"
What do you mean with "saying" here? It doesn't make any sense.
And again too abstract!
Stan   Wed Feb 08, 2006 12:35 am GMT
1. -- An angel with charisma enlightened my way --
2. -- i felt like a divine force saying to fall under its sway --

1. "An angel with charisma enlightened my way"
"with charisma"

do you mean;
a) Personal magnetism or charm or;
b)An extraordinary power (as it is in Christianity eg. the ability to perform wonder)

Either one of the above is good, I certainly won't want to guess which, I'll leave that to you.

2. -- i felt like a divine force saying to fall under its sway --

kritika, if indeed your meaning of "sway" in the above sentence refers to the noun form of the word, then I'll guess you're referring to:

a) Dominion or control
b) Power; influence

As you would find in any good dictionary. I will guess that in the sentence, there was an aura or an ambiance (maybe spiritual) in which a divine (holy in that sence) force invited (another guess because there isn't an indication of a command) you to fall (to pass into a particular state, condition, or situation) under its sway (power, or dominion).

That makes perfect sence if it is exactly what I think it is, you could have a different meaning; I am only guessing your intents. In all I will put your second line this way:

--I felt a divine force inviting me to fall under its sway --

I would write the first two lines of your poem as:

-- an angel with charisma enlightened my way --
--I felt a divine force inviting me to fall under its sway --

Not much changed, because it is good asit is (if my interpretations are right)
Stan   Wed Feb 08, 2006 12:47 am GMT
kritika , I am certainly not an expert on poems, but what I can let you know is that poems could be one of the most difficult pieces of writings you could come across, especially if you're trying to deduct meaning from one you didn't write yourself. It could be complicated because the only true meaning of a poem is the meaning the author gives it, no matter how much you try to deduct from it.

I will always suggest you make it as clear and simple as possible to avoid the perversion of its meaning by others. Lets just say these days, people like to give their own meanings to things, they like to give things the interpretation that suit their own mental state.
kritika   Wed Feb 08, 2006 4:23 am GMT
Thanks to all for their suggestions.
the actual poem is
living on the dark side of life
a common person i was and negativity was rife .

suddenly in the dark
my fortune got a spark.

an angel with charisma enlightend my way
i felt a divine force inviting me to fall under its sway
and few more lines.
the meaning i want to convey here
is ...
i was a common peron with negative attitude towards life
because no one ever gave any importance to me.
but then in my life a person comes he is so influencing that i want to get controlled by him.
here to fall under its sway will be correct or
to fall uner his sway .
divine force is saying to me there is nothing wrong if want to get swayed by him.
and here can we use like that
negativity was rife
again waiting for your valuable suggestions
Stan   Wed Feb 08, 2006 5:07 am GMT
"fall under its sway"

Since you have attributed the presence of this fellow to that of a divine force, it makes sence for you to use "its sway," it means he is not just a "he" but also "it" - the divine force.

"negativity was rife"

rife - meaning abundance or numerous, (negativity was in abundance).
So "negativity was rife" makes good sence.

-- negativity was rife --
-- fall under its sway -- [referring to the divine force]

Both sentences are good. Even though someone else can always make your poem better, the essence of a good poem is in its ingeniousness; so even if I would have written it in a different way, I will only suggest to you to change anything if I'm sure it needs to be changed.
kritika   Wed Feb 08, 2006 8:36 am GMT
to continue my poem ..
here u know when an angel comes in my life . after that
the poem continues as..

i got wings to fly anf flew inti its/his heart
never i tried to look behind happily i buried my dead past
is there any mistake in two lines.
and any change you suggest for it to be more effective
Fredrik from Norway   Wed Feb 08, 2006 1:28 pm GMT
It's too abstract.
Show don't tell.

How did you live when negativity was ripe? Who was this angel? What did he/she do? How did you come under his/her sway?

Poetry is to give a higher meaning to things, to use them as symbols of something greater. The poem usually doens't become so good when you jump directly to the abstract stuff.